My Testimony of Jesus Christ

and witness of the truthfullness of

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

I grew up on Cape Cod in Massachusetts and as a kid I used walked on the beach at low tide picking periwinkles and turning over horseshoe crabs to see their underbellies, legs wriggling.  I hiked through the woods alone in the winter for hours listening to the sounds of the chickadees and the wind in the bare branches.  I remember always being overwhelmed by the feelings of the earth.  The majesty and power of it, the purity of it and the comfort I took in it.  A feeling I would later in life associate with such great things as freedom, love, truth and eventually the Spirit.

Nature is Gods work, pure and untainted and shaped by no other hands than his.  In that way he reached me at a young age and throughout my life I reached out to that feeling as much as I could.  It was truly when I was happiest and I sought it and pondered it constantly.  Imagine my surprise at the age of 27 when I felt those same stirrings within me with even greater intensity during my investigation into the little known and peculiar gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It has proven to be the most profound and personal discovery of my life.

Though I did not see it so plainly then I have sought after truth since I was a child.  I always wanted answers to the big and difficult questions, and unlike most I never accepted the fact that there were some things we could and would never know.  Somehow I felt that the answers were out there, in fact if I pondered and thought hard enough I was sure it would come to me.  I often sat by a campfire alone, thinking, probing for understanding within the wind, the trees, the sounds of the birds, the sky.  In those moments I sensed the presence and reality of what I was seeking, but it was elusive, as if it were just out of reach in my minds eye, but the feeling I had told me there was something greater there and I would not give up reaching for it.

The teachings of Jesus Christ as I had learned them as a child, did not seem to relate to my search and I accepted them as moral stories of traditions that my parents and grandparents were fond of. So, inevitably that distance between the Sprit and I grew as I got older and I eventually went off to college.  I admit even early on in my conversion, that my belief in Jesus Christ, and the importance of His mission remained abstract to me and although my conversion began with faith in Jesus Christ, it was by prayer to Our Heavenly Father that I was truly able to come to know The Christ and his infinite attoning sacrifice.

In April of 2005 I met a professional dancer, Ashly DelGrosso, on the set of a new ABC TV show called Dancing with the Stars.  I was a Field Producer and in charge of production during training sessions.  Because of our Boston roots, Ashly's celebrity partner, Joey McIntyre and I became friends, and though other producers tended to rotate couples, I began working exclusively with Joey and Ashly.  As the weeks went on I found that aside from being  beautiful, Ashly's personality was the most incredible thing about her.  Her positive energy was intoxicating and I always looked forward to seeing her and being around her and as the weeks went on I began to notice a positive influence from her.  Along with the title of Hollywood TV producer I acquired a pretty fowl mouth but until I began working with Ashly i never really noticed it.  and within a few weeks I had broken the habit of cursing in the studio, in fact I even began to notice more when I swore when she wasn't around.  It was as if I could hear my words for what they really were, I actually liked the way I sounded with a clean vocabulary better and so I decided that maybe I'd make it a point to stop swearing all around.  See what happened.  That was the first seed of faith I ever planted.  And I did it without really knowing what I was doing.  But I'll never forget the feeling I had in my heart, that swelling of warmth, that tinder of inspiration.  I am certain that it was in that tiny little decision that my spirit reconnected and recognized truth, my heart opened, and is quite literally where my journey was truly allowed to begin.

In June I traveled with Joey and Ashly back to Boston to film their appearance on Regis and Kelly and to shoot Ashly meeting the McIntyre family.  There Ashly and I had time to talk.  I wanted to know everything about her and The LDS Church, being a big part of her life, became a major part of the conversation.  We talked well into the early hours of morning and she explained as best she could about faith, specifically Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon.  I'll admit then, as I'm sure Joey McIntyres wife could attest by our conversation, that I did not much believe it.  While Ashly was in wardrobe I found myself remarking on the crazy nature of the Joseph Smith tale and attributed Ashly's belief in such a tall tale to her sheltered childhood.  However, deep down inside I wondered about it and still intended to read the Book of Mormon, if only to get an explanation of how someone so wonderful could beleive something so surreal.

Season 1 of dancing with the Stars ended in early July, I had begun reading The Book of Mormon and Ashly had moved back to Utah where she was from.  We kept in touch though over the phone and our relationship began to grow despite the distance.  In August, I accepted an invitation to go with Ashly to visit her family.  The plan was to meet her in Vegas, where she had a performance and my uncle was also visiting on business.  From there we would fly to Utah and I'd stay for a few days and visit with her family.  I loved to travel and loved Utah as I had been camping there once.  I was also eager to see her again and to learn more about her family and the church.   We met in Vegas as planned and even had dinner with my uncle.  I dont remember what brought me to ask, but it was there that I requested she show me how to pray, we knelt and she offered a prayer. I still recall  the calm feeling of quietly kneeling together.

In Utah I immersed myself in the culture.  I attended church, visited historic sites and even attended an LDS wedding reception.  I attended many family gatherings and was filled with the warmth and joy of the spirit.  We went on drives through the canyons and Ashly and  I talked every evening as we swung in her hammock by the creek behind the house.  I spent long hours up at night speaking with Ashly's brother in law Brock Doxey, who had a great knowledge of the doctrine of the church and was able to explain and answer my deeper inquiries.  But while I had many eventful experiences in Utah it was The Doctrine and Covenants which reached into my soul.  I can only now liken my experience as if I was back in Massachusetts, sitting by the pond and posing all those same questions of love and nature and the meaning of life.  And though it was not as if all of a sudden I finally knew all the answers but it was finally clear by what means I could receive them.

It felt as though a key had been given, and I knew upon reading, from those first few sections, that I had found the only road by which I could unlock the mysteries of all the earth and the heavens and I knew, however unbeleivable, that I was reading the literal words of God.  I knew that I had not only found the truth but my true purpose.    I knew that living and understanding this Gospel and it’s Doctrine would be the greatest responsibility and mission I would ever have.  I remember well the feeling of discovery, of overwhelming inspiration.  My excitement was overwhelming.  In this tiny library in Orem Utah my life had been irrevocably changed forever.  I was certain I would become a member of the Church and suddenly felt a fulfillment and recognized a similar feeling as I'd had in the woods at fourteen years old.   It was like the inspiration I had at twenty sitting by Beaver Lake listening to the sounds of the geese on the water or as the warmth I felt standing on the sand with the woman who would be my eternal companion at sunset watching two dolphins swim together, perfect, free. 

Through all these moments I’d been listening, learning letting their subtle whisperings teach me what they could about life, and though I understood little I knew there was truth in it
When I look back on my stay in Utah I remember many moments.  But the most amazing part about my trip wasn’t the mountain landscapes or the beautiful sunsets, it wasn’t the fact that I went with the intention of spending 3 days and stayed for 2 weeks.  It was the welcome I received.  That though I was truly among so many strangers I’d never felt more at home in my entire life.  Those feelings and memories have stayed with me long since I left.

In this church I do not have to change who I am but I have changed things that I do.  And with those changes I am truly understanding myself and my purpose.
I realized this about 3 months ago or so when I recently discovered the gospel and was on vacation with my parents.  For the first time we really talked.  We talked about things I’d never been able to open up about with them.  About barriers that were keeping us from communicating,  things we could do to understand each other and make our relationship stronger and things we were sorry for in the past.  But at the same time as we grew closer through the conversation I realized something very interesting.  Something that struck me at that moment with such clarity.  That though I thought as I got older I sounded more like my dad, triple wrapped foods, and had similar twinges of anxiety like my mother, or had a liking for art like my grandfather I was in reality and in every sense a completely different person in that my spirit was completely unique.  I knew it like I knew I loved to draw, like I loved nature, I knew as I now know God.  I knew it so clearly as if it had been painted on the ground in front of me.  I was not just a combination of, habits, trends, personalities and genetic patterns picked up from my parents and grandparents in the past.  I understood a part of me, A huge part of me, the most important part of me, that was not of them.  And in that moment I felt truly unique and loved, and realized that that is the origin, the foundation from which I can build and shape myself.   That everything else about me is expendable or changeable and not my identity.  And I want to begin again, to take all the knowledge and wisdom I have learned, and am learning, and build upon myself as best I can.

Although this church is one of order, as are all the works of God, it is more of a spiritual movement than that of an organized religion.  This is a faith that comes naturally, one that makes as much sense as the sun on your face, the sounds of the waves, and the smell of the ocean.  And It is different for me now, because now, unlike as a child searching in the woods alone, I can feel that spirit and carry it with me to all places.  Now that I know where to look I can find it everywhere.  No matter where I am.  Alone in the woods back home, On the streets of Los Angeles,  or among friends and family in our home ward, Christ is present.

All my life I’ve thought I was a good person.  And in many respects I was but in many many others I wasn’t.  This new faith has been an awakening for me.  I realized when I slowly started to practice the gospel that my life began to change.  Some of those things were small, some much greater.  I sought help as I learned and as I prayed I received it.  Not always in the way or time I wanted it but exactly when I needed it.  And with those bigger challenges I faced, there were several times I failed and through that failure I came to repentance and understanding.  All of which has led me to something that I’ve watched myself do so much of over the past several months.
and that is “Grow”

This next verse is found in the book of Mormon and it described to me perfectly the experience I felt each time I tested the Gospel, as in that first time I decided to stop cursing, to quiting smokeless tobacco and eventually the use of alcohol.  Each test I offered openly with the desire to learn something.    Each time I was blessed with knowledge and enlightenment beyond expectation.

From the Book of Alma. 32
26 Now, as I said concerning faith-that it was not a perfect knowledge-even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge.
27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.
28 Now, we will compare the word unto a seed. Now, if ye give place, that a seed may be planted in your heart, behold, if it be a true seed, or a good seed, if ye do not cast it out by your unbelief, that ye will resist the Spirit of the Lord, behold, it will begin to swell within your breasts; and when you feel these swelling motions, ye will begin to say within yourselves-It must needs be that this is a good seed, or that the word is good, for it beginneth to enlarge my soul; yea, it beginneth to enlighten my understanding, yea, it beginneth to be delicious to me..

When our hearts are open we hear and see things we'd  never imagine.  Those gifts of enlightenment have made me so aware of the importance of virtues like selflessness, forgiveness, humility, and especially gratitude.

When I told people I was planning on being baptized I was asked why? And what it meant to me?  I’ve been thinking about that question a lot.  And it’s meaning evolves daily.  In its most practical terms it is that I am making a commitment to live consciously paying attention to every small thought and emotion, every desire every question.  To be aware of all that I put out into the world and how it affects myself and those around me.

I pray that I will always be grateful for the things that I have and for all the people in my life, that I never again abuse them in haste, impatience, dishonesty or selfishness.  That I am able to remove myself from the fog of the world.  That’s also what my baptism is.  It is an end to the stupor.  An end to allowing things to happen without thought or care.  It is an awakening, an awareness, the beginning of my conscious life.

In the L.A. Stake Conference last weekend Boyd Packer spoke and reminded me of some very important words which my mother, who raised me in the Catholic church, has long believed in, but I never really heard until now.
They are…”Be still and know that I am.”
It sounds almost like a command doesn’t it?  And I think we should take it as one.  One that is hard to remember when we get going at full stride.  But those simple words really express the way I came to a personal understanding of Christ’s Gospel.  By opening the lines of communication with our Father in Heaven we open ourselves to the needs of our loved ones, we desire to communicate better, and grow closer through understanding.

That understanding has marked the start of my life knowing Christ and in him I have found a guide.  One who helps all those when they sincerely seek truth.  And today that is the promise I am making, to God, and also to all of you. A promise to step with great care through all your lives listening attentively to all the things we tend to miss when we are less conscious when we are less aware that our hearts are turned inward.  And in listening that is when we begin to break out of the cyclic lives most of us live in.  The lives we live in repetition.

Later, when I was trying to explain what it felt like to be confronted by my friends and family over my religious venture a story came to my mind.  It was funny to me because though it was a book I knew well as a child, I had never looked at that part of the story as a comment on faith, but it is clear to me now that it was C.S. Lewis’s intention all the time.

It is a scene at the start of the lion the witch and the wardrobe.  Two sisters and Two brothers are sent from London to live in a professors manor in the countryside during the war.
The Children are playing hide and seek on a rainy afternoon and the youngest, Lucy, finds her way into a wardrobe where she discovers a hidden world full of snow, and fawns and a wicked Witch.  The brother Edmond also finds it and when they come out they go to her older brother Peter and sister Suzan and Lucy tells them where she’d been.
When confronted Edmond denies it and says he and Lucy were just having a game of it all.
All of them investigate the back of the wardrobe together but this time the opening into Narnia is closed.
Weeks go by and Lucy is still talking about the Land of Narnia and Peter and Susan, concerned about their sister, decide to go to the professor and tell him what’s happening.
Then he cleared his throat and said the last thing either of them expected:
"How do you know," he asked, "that your sister's story is not true?"
"Oh, but--" began Susan, and then stopped. Anyone could see from the old man's face that he was perfectly serious. Then Susan pulled herself together and said, "But Edmund said they had only been pretending."
"That is a point," said the Professor, "which certainly deserves consideration. For instance - if you will excuse me for asking the question - does your experience lead you to regard your brother or your sister as the more reliable? I mean, which is the more truthful?"
"That's just the funny thing about it, sir," said Peter. "Up till now, I'd have said Lucy every time."
"And what do you think, my dear?" said the Professor, turning to Susan.
"Well," said Susan, "in general I'd say the same as Peter, but this couldn't be true -- all this about the wood and the Faun."
"That is more than I know," said the Professor, "and a charge of lying against someone whom you have always found to be truthful is a very serious thing; a very serious thing indeed."
"We were afraid it mightn't even be lying," said Susan; "we thought there might be something wrong with Lucy."
"Madness, you mean?" said the Professor quite coolly. "Oh, you can make your minds easy about that. One has only to look at her to see that she is not mad."
"But then," said Susan, and stopped. She had never dreamed that a grown-up would talk like the Professor and didn't know what to think.
"Logic!" said the Professor half to himself. "Why don't they teach logic at these schools? There are only three possibilities. Either your sister is telling lies, or she is mad, or she is telling the truth. You know she doesn't tell lies and it is obvious that she is not mad. For the moment then and unless any further evidence turns up, we must assume that she is telling the truth."
-     The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis

Through baptism I’ve committed to a personal journey free of lies, and far from madness, in which truth and happiness are the only objectives.  I was given knowledge and knew what I heard was true and had no other choice but to follow my heart.

When I think back on this story I think back on my life.  I see myself as a boy gathering armfulls of leaves, twigs, needles, sticks, branches and eventually of great hewn logs.  I see the placement of the needles and the twigs loosly upon eachother and the eventual kindling of a fire.  The chill of the late autumn air is lessened as the flames begin to engulf the leaves and pine needles and lick at the branches.  The sound and smells of the forest fill me with it's spirit.  The  logs are then placed upon the fire and the comfort of it's heat can be felt even from a distance and I am able to sit and contemplate and wonder.

The spirit burns within my heart now as with fire.  And by my baptism and laying on of hands I have received the Holy Ghost.   It is promised to me as my constant companion if I live worthily and this precious gift is kindled and fueled only by the good works, gifts and blessings of God.

I know the Book of Mormon is the word of God to be studied hand in hand with the Holy Bible.  That Joseph Smith is a prophet of God and that Gordon B. Hinckley is the living prophet today just as Moses in his time.  That The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true church of God and that the preisthood of Christ has been restored again upon the earth and that the witness of these things is available to all those who desire to know the truth and with real intent, ask of God.

-Michael Costa